#36: The Art of Complaining
Dear reader,
today I’m publishing a piece by Noelle Ponasik which she originally published in her excellent newsletter Germany is the Wurst. I hope you enjoy this essay. I burst out laughing several times when I first read it.
I’ll be publishing less frequently over the next few weeks (summer holidays, kids etc).
I hope you’re having a great summer so far.
Maurice
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The Art of Complaining
by Noelle Ponasik
I have to admit that I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately. Both of my kids had runny noses and were coughing (again), and then I caught whatever they had and couldn’t seem to shake off the latest string of viral infections they passed on to me from their germy, disease-ridden kindergarten.
Whenever I’m down in the dumps, it becomes so easy to complain. My creative spark slowly diminishes. Suddenly, writing a free monthly Substack as an American living in Europe (how original!) for a few hundred subscribers1 starts to feel like an impossibly ambitious undertaking.
Luckily for me, I live in a country where people do little else but complain. In Germany, complaining, not Fußball, or perhaps complaining about Fußball and most recently, the whole Neuer vs. Baumann goalie debate,2 is the national pastime. If you ask me, the amount of time and energy Germans devote to complaining is the real reason the economy is so stagnant and nothing ever seems to get done. It might also be why their men’s soccer team is so mediocre.
As a matter of fact, I am not the only one living here with such a dreary outlook on life, albeit mostly when I’m sick. In a recent survey conducted on behalf of the health insurance provider DAK-Gesundheit, 67% of participants rated social cohesion and community life in Germany as poor or very poor. Furthermore, 77% believed that not only is social life in Germany bad, but it is also getting worse. Meanwhile, a mere 3% deemed that this apparently bleak coexistence has improved since last year, representing a tiny optimist faction.3
So, what are we going to do about all of these bad vibes? Start “Kanzlertausch” rumors that German Chancellor Friedrich Merz should be replaced by Hendrick Wüst, Governor of North Rhine-Westphalia?4 As if that would magically solve all our problems?
No, what we need is a good old vent sesh, German-style. Let us review the subtle, and not-so-subtle, German art of complaining.
Phase 1: Just Start Complaining
Just start complaining. Complain about everything, everywhere, all at once. Pick a topic that best suits you: Friedrich Merz, Donald Trump, the weather, work, bad vacation hotels and breakfasts, the price of gas, the price of anything, why the current men’s soccer team hasn’t lived up to the glory of past World Cup teams, or why nobody votes for Germany at Eurovision.
Personally, my favorite topic to complain about is public transportation. Just a few weeks ago, I drove my car to work, as I always do these days, but I had an appointment elsewhere in the city. So I decided to take public transportation because it was arguably quicker and would save me the trouble of finding a parking spot. Right? Wrong.
Everything went smoothly on the way to my appointment, but on the way back, I ended up waiting fifteen minutes for the bus. An elderly gentlemen sat down next to me and asked me for directions. We got to talking, and before long we were both complaining about how unreliable public transportation is.
Finally, a quarter of an hour later, not one, but two busses showed up. The first was completely full, and the driver of the second bus, which was comparably less full, informed us without reason that we could only board the first one. Welcome to Germany.
Phase 2: Air Your Grievances
If you want to take your complaining to the next level, then sitting at a bus stop and shooting the breeze is simply not enough. You need to air your grievances.
Germans are generally pretty straightforward and usually have no problem telling you what they think. However, no matter where you live, really, there always seems to be people who have an inner Frank Costanza and delight in nothing more than airing their grievances. Although unlike Frank, this ritual is not just reserved for Festivus,5 but takes place over the entire year.
For example, every year, one of our neighbors confronts us and complains that our kids are too loud. And every year, I ask myself what the point of this particular conversation is. Does my neighbor simply need to air their grievances and comment on our supposed lack of parenting skills?
Unfortunately for them, I am forced to remind them that while noise just so happens to be heavily regulated in Germany, there are no laws against children laughing and playing outside, or going up and down the stairs in our house. At least not yet.
Phase 3: Send an Anonymous Letter and/or Ransom Note
Now, not everyone feels the need to air their grievances in person. Some prefer a more subtle approach in the form of an anonymous letter.
Again, every year, we find a letter in our mailbox from our neighbors in the back row of houses asking us to trim our hedges. And again, every year, I ask myself why the afflicted party doesn’t just ring our doorbell, introduce themselves, and ask us to trim the hedges.
Is this a collective complaint? A class-action lawsuit? Or a sole individual who has been scared off by the allegedly loud noises coming from our house? Sadly, I may never know.
Even though the letter is typed (because who writes handwritten letters anymore?), I prefer to think of it as a ransom note because of its anonymity. Little do the authors know that I had it sent to the police for fingerprint analysis in an attempt to identify the culprit. (Just kidding. Maybe.)
Phase 4: Beschwerdebrief
After exhausting all previous passive options, we have now reached the phase of full-blown institutional outrage with the holy grail of complaining: the Beschwerdebrief (letter of complaint).
And let me tell you, the Beschwerdebrief isn’t just some wimpy anonymous letter about trimming hedges. No siree, if you write a Beschwerdebrief in Germany, you address it to the person responsible for all of your ailments and misgivings, and you sign it with your name. When you’re complaining at this level, you expect communication with Verbindlichkeit, damn it.
For example, my husband works at a large bank that is, shall we say, sometimes portrayed negatively in the media. And sometimes, customers are extremely unhappy. So what do they do? They write a Beschwerdebrief holding the CEO personally responsible for everything wrong with the world, or at least with their online banking account. These letters are then filtered out and responded to in accordance with German complaint etiquette. I suppose there are times when even German bureaucracy needs an emotional outlet.
Phase 5: Anzeige
Finally, if a Beschwerdebrief isn’t going to cut it for you and your complaints, then you do have one more possibility. If all else fails, you can report someone to the police (anzeigen).
Truth be told, calling the police is usually reserved for more serious matters, such as a suspected crime or misdemeanors. Thankfully, Germany has an Ordnungsamt (public order office) to handle everyday complaints such as illegal parking, noise violations, failing to separate garbage correctly, or not keeping dogs on a leash.
In the city I live in, for instance, I can submit such complaints comfortably online. And who said digitalization in Germany was basically nonexistent? (Me. It was me.)
Now we know all that there is to know about complaining in Germany. And really, Germans can’t help it. They are simply observational in their nature. In fact, before everyone was doomscrolling on their cell phones, it wasn’t uncommon to notice someone staring at you on the subway with the concentration of a Jedi mind trick.
Germans may pride themselves on being the land of Dichter und Denker, but in my personal opinion, they are also the best at the art of complaining.
1 I’m actually very proud of my small but mighty Substack following. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my newsletter and I always look forward to your comments!
2 https://www.fr.de/sport/fussball/torwart-frage-geklaert-bundestrainer-geraet-bei-erklaerung-ins-schlingern-94317075.html
3 https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article69f57d4ace673f8cd2abbbd4/gesellschaftliches-klima-knapp-70-prozent-halten-das-miteinander-in-deutschland-fuer-schlecht.html
4 https://www.tagesschau.de/inland/regional/nordrheinwestfalen/wuest-merz-cdu-sauerland-100.html
5 Festivus will take place this year on Wednesday, December 23.
What else happened this week?
🏛️ German coalition agrees on sweeping reform package in key breakthrough
📈 Analysis: Merz’s Reforms Have Potential - Eventually - to Boost German Growth
💥 Ukrainian charged in Germany over Nord Stream blasts
🛡️ Almost 60,000 far-right extremists in Germany, intelligence agency says
👵🏻 Germany may be reunited, but its divisions are still apparent
📺 Having Good Sex (interesting German-French Arte documentary with English subtitles)
💰 Money-Saving Tip of the Week from Smart Living in Germany
If your savings sit in a current account not earning any interest, the two savings account options worth knowing are Tagesgeld and Festgeld. Tagesgeld is flexible – you can move money in and out anytime, and the interest rate can usually change at any time. Festgeld locks your money away for a fixed term (usually 1-3 years) at a guaranteed rate that stays put for the whole period.
Which to pick depends on when you’ll need the money. Keep an emergency buffer in Tagesgeld where you can reach it, and put cash you won’t touch for a while into Festgeld to lock in today’s rate if you expect interest rates to drop. The best offers currently sit around 3-4%, mostly limited-time new-customer deals. For the top current rates, see this guide to the best savings accounts in Germany and for more money tips, subscribe to the Smart Living in Germany newsletter.
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